Something Deep

Not really, but slightly more thoughtful than the usual posts/evil letter writing.

I have been thinking lately (and when I say lately I mean since we got back from Ecuador several months ago, but especially in the last month) about how much my own self-concept/self-worth is/was tied up in having a job. This is something I’ve never really thought about much before, because I have generally always had a job, been at school, been looking for a job, or been living out the country choosing to not have a job. We talked about when we came back if I was going to work, and it was essentially decided that if I felt good enough I could, but there was no compulsion for me to do so. And since I still felt pretty sick for the first while, and figured not too many places want to hire someone for only a couple months, I didn’t look for a job. As a result I have done a lot of… well, nothing. I’ve got some good resting, crafting, some reading, and even a small bit of exercise, but for all of that I feel like I’ve done nothing for the last 4 months.

Let me stop here and say that I surely have the most supportive husband in the world, who reminds me when I say things like this that A. I am growing a baby and B. I have made a lot of things. Unfortunately this doesn’t help a lot because A. Lots of people grow babies and have jobs or other children or other things that make them productive human beings, and B. making a lot of things is not really that big of a deal, and I should have made a lot more for all this time on my hands.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel like a mooch. I often feel bad for doing things like grocery shopping, buying clothes for my expanding waistline, etc. I’m not sure where this guilt is coming from, as Aaron has made it abundantly clear he is quite happy with how things are, and even encourages me to go buy more clothes. (Hah!) I have just come to the conclusion that I feel bad for not working. I feel bad for spending money that I did not earn. I have realized that little did I know but I had a great satisfaction in working, even if only making me feel productive and a contributor to society or my bank account, or whatever. About a month ago a job actually found me, and I spent a couple hours a week tutoring Spanish. And I loved it. But now it’s done, and I’m pretty sad.

I have the suspicion that once I actually have another human that I am responsible for taking care of I will feel somewhat better. At least at the end of the day I will have something to show for it besides a big belly. In the meantime I’m going to see if I can’t figure out somewhere to volunteer. At least that way I will have some way to fill my time that seems productive.

Anyway, that’s all. Sorry for the long post.

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9 Responses to Something Deep

  1. AJ says:

    Don’t be sorry Kelsey. I think that post was good to read. I think it offers great advice for future mommas. I don’t think your unproductive at all and that learning to receieve help (if it means have no personal financial advances) are part of being a union (aka husband and wife). We should get used to having great men be willing to support us. I think you are doing great. I also think that your right when you have your baby and a life to take care of you will have more of a sense of productivity. But you are caring for him in a different way right now. By waking up late at night and eating, preparing for him to come into a peaceful and happy home. You and Aaron rock as a couple and I am sure will be as parents as well.
    Anyway, I think you will be great. Hope you feel better.
    p.s. I don’t know if you have a cool calling at church but you could thrust yourself into that if you wanted? That should make you feel mo betta.

  2. Cheryloxx says:

    You are so cute and funny, even when you're talking serious. I've decided I'm going to work after having the baby. I just thought I would state that first. My reasons are: 1. I feel EXACTLY the same way you do and the month I didn't have work after graduation made me crazy, 2. I enjoy the projects and sense of daily accomplishment that I get from going somewhere and doin what I gotta do, 3. I like the income I bring to the family. Now, what I have also decided is that I am going to work < full time after the baby comes. There is a lot of stuff to accomplish and care for when a child is part of the action. Though I have decided to work, the decision regarding how much work is still fluid enough to change if necessary and the negotiation table is always open in our family. I don't think you should do the same thing and I'm not advocating any one way of doing things, I just thought I'd share with you my process of handling this dilemma since we are on a somewhat similar path in life right now. The best advice I've received is to allow yourself to change your mind as you become a mom.

  3. Daryl says:

    My wife says that it’s just society making you feel guilty. Don’t sweat it! :) -Daryl

  4. aarone says:

    It ain’t easy being a trophy wife.

  5. Penelope says:

    The church is looking for volunteers to enter data for family history. It would be a great service to the dead and the living. I have signed up to do it, just haven’t started. Anna Marie told me about it.

    I felt that if I put my children in daycare, someone else would screw them up rather than me, and I wanted the privilege. Just look how bizarre Mike, Sarah, and Anna Marie turned out.

    Seriously, unless you have to work, stay home with your babies. They need you, otherwise, what is the point of having them in the first place?

    I usually did something from home to help supplement the income when necessary.

    Keeping a home, being a taxi, therapist/counselor, seamstress in your case, chef, teacher, gardener, etc, etc, etc, would cost more than Aaron could afford if he had to pay you or someone else. Oh, and that does not include being a fabulous wife, mother, daughter, niece, cousin, friend, church worker, and keeping this awesome blog/journal.

    You are correct… when the baby is here you will feel diff all day AND at the end of the day.

    Love ya…
    Aunt P

    (AJ brought out some great points!)

  6. Sarah says:

    There is more value in staying at home than you realize. I didn’t work even before we had kids (this was for health reasons at the time, but I realized it was good to be at home) and I had a lot of opportunities to serve. I had a friend I was able to help when she was in an abusive marriage and I took care of her son so she could go to work since her husband kept quitting his jobs, sometimes before he even started. She didn’t trust him to watch the baby, so I got to take care of him. Matt and I kind of felt like he was our first kid in a way. We absolutely loved him. Eventually she got out of there and found a much better dad for him.

    There was also a time where this lady in my ward called me hysterical needing a ride to the doctor and most women in the ward worked. She had some bleeding from her breast and her mom had recently died of breast cancer, so she was sobbing uncontrollably. I felt really grateful that I was available to comfort her through that. I also liked all the time I had to try out new recipes in my cookbooks and surprise Matt when he got home. :) I can’t wait to meet your little boy! You’re going to be such a great mom.

  7. Kelsey says:

    Thanks everyone for your nice comments. I’m not too worried about when the baby comes. A. I like babies infinity much and B. I want to stay home. It’s just in the meantime when I feel able bodied (sorta) that I feel lazy. But I am dealing. :)

  8. amy says:

    kelsey, i hear you. it’s torturous to be bored and even worse when you’re stuck thinking about how you’re not even making any money. sucky suck. just watch tv a lot and you won’t notice as much. oh, and eat oreos. mmmm, oreos…

  9. shadylady says:

    Oh heck! Working is highly overrated! I agree however, that it is good to have things to “occupy”, whether or not they produce income. Having a “purpose” is definitely beneficial to ones self esteem, and not identifying one can shake it a teensy bit. Re adjust your thinking girl! You certainly have “purpose” in what you are doing, perhaps reframe it as such.

    What’s for dinner?

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