Not really, but slightly more thoughtful than the usual posts/evil letter writing.
I have been thinking lately (and when I say lately I mean since we got back from Ecuador several months ago, but especially in the last month) about how much my own self-concept/self-worth is/was tied up in having a job. This is something I’ve never really thought about much before, because I have generally always had a job, been at school, been looking for a job, or been living out the country choosing to not have a job. We talked about when we came back if I was going to work, and it was essentially decided that if I felt good enough I could, but there was no compulsion for me to do so. And since I still felt pretty sick for the first while, and figured not too many places want to hire someone for only a couple months, I didn’t look for a job. As a result I have done a lot of… well, nothing. I’ve got some good resting, crafting, some reading, and even a small bit of exercise, but for all of that I feel like I’ve done nothing for the last 4 months.
Let me stop here and say that I surely have the most supportive husband in the world, who reminds me when I say things like this that A. I am growing a baby and B. I have made a lot of things. Unfortunately this doesn’t help a lot because A. Lots of people grow babies and have jobs or other children or other things that make them productive human beings, and B. making a lot of things is not really that big of a deal, and I should have made a lot more for all this time on my hands.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel like a mooch. I often feel bad for doing things like grocery shopping, buying clothes for my expanding waistline, etc. I’m not sure where this guilt is coming from, as Aaron has made it abundantly clear he is quite happy with how things are, and even encourages me to go buy more clothes. (Hah!) I have just come to the conclusion that I feel bad for not working. I feel bad for spending money that I did not earn. I have realized that little did I know but I had a great satisfaction in working, even if only making me feel productive and a contributor to society or my bank account, or whatever. About a month ago a job actually found me, and I spent a couple hours a week tutoring Spanish. And I loved it. But now it’s done, and I’m pretty sad.
I have the suspicion that once I actually have another human that I am responsible for taking care of I will feel somewhat better. At least at the end of the day I will have something to show for it besides a big belly. In the meantime I’m going to see if I can’t figure out somewhere to volunteer. At least that way I will have some way to fill my time that seems productive.
Anyway, that’s all. Sorry for the long post.