Seis Puerqueños

Last week I agreed to do something ultimately crazy.  I have done a lot of crazy things in my life, like bungee jumping, having excessively large children, and drinking Army Surplus water from my grandma’s food storage room marked 1952, but never have I decided to do something as crazy as what I will be doing for the next four weeks.

Somehow I managed to sign myself up to play an improve your health (get skinnier) “game”.  Taken from the book The Game On! Diet by Krista Vernoff and Az Ferguson, my team and I will be competing against two other teams for a full Saturday of babysitting and a lovely cash prize for the highest points scorer.

Oh sure, you say, it’s just eating healthy and exercising, and it’s really strict, but so what?  So what?!  First of all, I am pretty sure that if you cut me open you would find my entire insides are made up of french fries and coke.  I was once told by a trainer that I was “skinny, all made up of fat”.  Me and exercise don’t mix very well.  Somehow I ran cross country a couple years in high school, but I am pretty sure that mostly entailed stopping at Dairy Queen before, and always coming in last in every race.  I should confess that although my insides are comprised of things found at McDonalds, I really do like healthy foods, I eat a lot of them, and a lot of really unhealthy foods too.

Secondly I should point out that this “game” is intense.  It includes things such as drinking 3 liters of water each day, 5 small sanctioned meals (kale yes, french fries no), not to mention I have to quit using my cell phone while driving (oops) and sleep at least 7 hours a night. 

So for the next four weeks I would appreciate everyone eating extra fries and coke for me (especially people on the other teams) and the ceasing and desisting of all delicious treats being brought to my house.  Also if I am extra stabby for the next four weeks, you will know why.

P.S. I am going to win.  Then I am going to spend all my money on coke and fries.

For Christmas Aaron and I were given a super cool huge gift by my parents, a trip to a fancy hotel, with the promise to watch our small humans for the night.  Three months later we finally took them up on it, and I would now like to give you a small sampling of the reasons I will never able to be “fancy”.

1. We were given two spa treatments in the package, and among those to choose from were: Earth Cocoon, Gentlemen’s Back Facial, Puget Sound Seaweed Body Firming Wrap, Espresso Hydrating Body Wrap (from which you will “emerge revived and refreshed, lucid and lyrical”), Rain Drop Therapy (I think this would be more appropriately termed “Chinese Water Torture”), Sacred Waters, Four Hands – One Heart Massage (you get massaged by two people at the same time).  Needless to say Aaron declined all treatments, and I asked for the “normal massage and facial” as even if I had wanted one of the above things, I would have laughed too hard saying them to be able to get one.

2.  Just because food is served at a fancy hotel at a ridiculous price, does not mean it will be tasty.  I have yet to come to terms with how this could be possible, but it is very true.  I like delicious food a lot, and found this to be quite disappointing.

3.  Dressing fancy.  I am not good at it.  I would like to be in my sweats 100% of the time, perhaps with the exception of wearing lavish ball gowns, which also are not appropriate at most fancy places.

4. I felt moderately traumatized about leaving my kids for the night.  Most fancy places require childlessness, but I suppose if I were really rich I could hire a nanny to entertain them while I ate dinner and went to the spa.

On the other hand, here are a few reasons I could get used to being fancy:

1. They had a pillow menu, with lots of different types of pillows.  Pillows are always a great idea.

2. Infused water.  In the lobby they had this citrus water stuff that I could drink by the gallon.  I about cried when they put it away for the night.  I will soon have to figure out their recipe so I can stop thinking about it 24 hours a day.

3. In the room the bathtub had a window that opened up so you could see the fireplace or tv.  Also it had jets and lights.  My love of baths is very very great.  As is my love of fires and tv, so I can’t think of much better.

I think the solution is that I will just have to invent a fancy place to my own specifications.  Also, it was awesome.

Lately our sleeping situations have taken a dramatic turn for the worst.  Sammy has rejected her crib after spending a week in Montana in a big bed a month ago.  We thought it would perhaps be a good idea to put two twin beds together, as putting our children to sleep involves laying with them until they fall asleep, thus giving us the chance to try and put them to sleep together.  Sammy and Harmon are now napping at the same time, which should be good, except that they don’t go to sleep because they keep each other up by chattering at each other much to my chagrin.  Same at bedtime.  I won’t even get into the night wakings.  Instead I will favor you with a highly-complex drawing of how I put them to bed last night.  Please note my arms are crossed to be able to pat/pin-to-the-bed them to sleep.  Also I don’t wear green shirts with red sleeves.  I just wanted you to see the crossed arms.

P.S. You should really click the picture so you can see the really great lightning bolt feature paint has added.

I have always had a hard time falling asleep.  Most times it is caused by my brain’s inability to shut off.  Ok, and the fact that I procrastinate going to sleep as much as possible.  As any of my former (or current) roommates will tell you, an excessive amount of my blabbering is required to make my mind clear enough to sleep.  The other night I was telling Aaron (for the 50 millionth time) how I was glad that I am not someone who needs something to sleep (like Ambien) but that I really need to create better sleep habits, like going to bed “on time” and making to-do lists, etc.

The next morning I told Aaron how it took me over an hour to fall asleep, because I was up thinking about really important things, like how I really need to make sweatpant overalls and how it would be great to make up some tote bags that say “working on my night cheese” with a felt cheese picture on them.  Aaron was almost speechless but managed to reply: “maybe you should look in to getting some Ambien.”

Harmon is 100% honest.  This doesn’t always work out to his benefit.

Kelsey: Harmon, why is Sammy crying?
Harmon: I bite her nose.