1. Feed your child cottage cheese that is of a questionable date. Smell it first, and when it smells fine go ahead. Halfway through said snack take a bite yourself to realize that it actually taste like poison. Make husband taste to confirm. Dump out and feed screaming child more timely cottage cheese.
2. After your child is full of good and bad cottage cheese put him on the floor to use his newly found crawling skills. Take away the plastic bag he is trying to eat by picking him up. When picking him up find half a moth and realize your child ate the other half.
3. Apply for parent of the year.